Random Thoughts on a 4th of July night...

So, I watched my first full 4th of July parade in ages, this year. I actually kind of broke with tradition last year...due to the timing of the holiday, I was actually changing over films at the movie theater the day of the parade, so when I got done and came downstairs, the parade was in full swing. This year, I was done a couple of days before the parade...and for the first time in a decade, I didn't have to be at the park early. I wasn't due at the park until 4:15 in the afternoon. So I decided to take the time to find out what the 4th of July in Kaysville is like, when it's not dominated by the frustration of trying to find a route from my apartment to the park at the same time everyone is packing up to go home from the parade.

I had an unexpected realization, as I watched the parade go by. In the early Middle Ages, when localities would produce passion plays and cycles, the guilds would take responsibility for a certain aspect of the production...they'd build the set, such as it was, and set up any needed effects and the like. It was, for the guilds, a way of demonstrating their prowess and largesse...advertising, essentially.

Nobody around here does anything of that nature anymore, in terms of the actual productions...but there are contemporary analogs to the practice. Putting a float in the hometown parade is perhaps at the top of that list.

This realization dawned on me as I was musing on the different nature of some of the floats...everything ranging from the company's delivery truck festooned with crepe paper and bunting to honest-to-goodness self-propelled floats (though most of them were more along the lines of a flatbed trailer with minimal decorations being pulled by the owner's pickup...) It was when I wondered why some companies would put so much time and money into something that would only be used once or maybe twice a year (because they might drag the same thing out for the Homecoming parade, I've never been in town for that one)...and I realized that putting your name on a fancy float, or getting your company logo printed on a decal that you could stick to the door of your truck, was a way to put a positive spin on your company..."We LOVE our community...and we can afford to indulge in symbolic gestures, too...so bring your business to us!"

Cynical, I know. I also know there are some of them that did it simply for the fun of being in the parade (because, hey, I'll admit it...I've done parades before, too, with no ulterior motive but simply the desire to have a good time). But regardless of the 'why', the parade has become the modern-day version of the passion play, in terms of businesses and groups strutting their stuff for the world to see.

On a totally unrelated note--my dad's family had its annual reunion a week ago. Out of Dad's family, there are only two siblings left (Dad passed away twelve years ago)...and I'm not sure how long those two will be with us. Aside from the obvious realization that, out of a family of seven (total), only two of the kids are still left and that means that the hourglass is running out, there was also the discussion my uncle had with me...

At one point, I'd been walking back and forth to my car, rounding some stuff up, and my uncle walked up to me and asked how I was doing. In and of itself, this is hardly remarkable...he's done that at every family reunion for years. He's the family's elder statesman, the patriarch overseeing all of us, and he takes his responsibilities very seriously in that respect and has always been asking how people are doing, how he can help, or trying to get some of us lined up to solve each others' problems in some way.

What he hasn't done very often in the past is give me a serious heart-to-heart discussion of how the two of us relate to each other, from his side of it. And as he was talking to me, about how proud of me he was, and how he appreciated the patience and compassion he'd always seen from me, and felt like his life had been enriched from my having been a part of it...I couldn't escape the impression that he was saying goodbye. I'm not sure how old he is...Dad was the youngest in the family, and was in his late 60's when he passed away, so my uncle must be in his mid or late 80's now...and while he's aged well, time has been taking its toll on him rather heavily the last few years. It's kind of hard to see...I have memories of our families going out trail-riding on motorcycles, and a lot of other recollections of him being a very spry, active guy with a hint of mischief in his eye, and seeing him now, barely able to get around with a cane and looking very fragile, I can only imagine that, in his mind, he's tired and ready to move on. I also know that he would do so with one major regret--that he's been unable to get my mom and my sister reconciled with each other. There were a lot of bridges burned in our family a few years ago...and while some of those chasms have been closed again, that particular one is steadfast. It's a source of pain to him, because our family has always been so close in the past...and also because the rest of us have managed to forgive and move on...but both my mom and my sister are very stubborn people.

I hope I'm wrong. I hope it wasn't goodbye. His words meant a lot to me--for all that I'm pretty content with who I am as a person, I know that there are some choices I've made in my life that aren't necessarily what my family would have wanted for me, and hearing from him that he was proud of the man I've become settled that sense of agitation for me. I hope that his faith somehow manages to move the mountain it will take to fill the gap between my mom and my sister (and that he's alive and well enough to see it happen and enjoy that moment of rest...I'd really hate for that to be his version of Moses not being allowed to enter the Holy Land after forty years in the desert...)

But if it was goodbye, I'm glad he took the time to say it. He's always been a very wise, perceptive man, in my experience, and I'm massively grateful for his example in my life.

So, I've been away for a while...

I was going to write this rant about the so-called economic stimulus and how the only thing it's managed to stimulate on me is my ever-increasing irritation with Washington politics...but after two starts at it, I could only feel myself getting more and more annoyed and irritable, and I don't want that. Suffice it to say, in economic terms, I'm kinda like most of 'Main Street USA'...hanging on by my fingernails and hoping something turns a corner before my creditors lose patience with me completely.

But life isn't all bad. After two years of getting by in a $200 Chevy Beretta, I upgraded...kind of. I'm now in a $500 Chevy S10 Blazer (that I had to spend another $1000 to get road-worthy...damn emissions systems...) For those who wonder why in the world I went with a vehicle that required so much work...well, first I have to say that when I bought it, I didn't know it would need that much work. Even the mechanic didn't realize it was going to need that much work, until I'd gone through the emissions system and basically replaced everything except the manifold and exhaust pipe. Second, I have to point out that this is my third such vehicle...I like them. They run and run and run and keep running even after logic dictates they should be dead (they don't run well, at that point...but they run!) This one only has 138k miles on it...the last one I had was pushing 300k when it finally died (due, in large part, to my neglect, or it would easily have made that milestone). So, with a little care on my part, I shouldn't be looking for another car for a LONG time. (I still have the Beretta...if I can get caught up enough to start worrying about it again, I want to have a mechanic take a look and see if the problems on it are a bunch of little things, or if it's something really serious...because if it's little stuff, I'll fix it. It may only be a $200 car, but it still gets better mileage than the Blazer...)

I have my first 'legitimate' theatrical costume design gig. Some friends of mine are starting up a new theater company in Salt Lake City...Dark Horse Company Theater...and their inaugural show is 'Best Little Whorehouse in Texas'. Now, before you roll your eyes at this, thinking of Dolly Parton and Burt Reynolds, I've got to point out that the film (which I watched...and hated) was loosely based on the play (which is actually quite intriguing, and given the way politicians have recently taken to the mass media with a hue and cry to scare their constituents into supporting them, quite relevant), and actually took one of the stage plays sub-plots for one of its main plotlines (the relationship between Mona and the Sheriff is a secondary thing to the stage play, at best...) It's a big responsibility, trying to come up with costumes for a cast of 20+ people on a budget of about $22/person (luckily, we've got a lot of costume rental agreements with other theaters in the area, in exchange for ad space in the programs). I'm feeling good about where it's going, and I'm sure it'll all come together...but there are a few points that have me on the verge of chewing my fingernails. It's not helped any by the fact that a bunch of the costume items that I'd love to have access to are at the park, sitting idle, collecting dust and cobwebs and other less appetizing vermin by-products, and I can't use them for the show.

I'm also taking my first foray into feature film...it's an independent film written with big studio sensibilities (as in, it's not one of those brooding little looks at the dark side of life, but is, in fact, a story that has a chance at a broad market appeal)...a superhero movie, of sorts. If you want more details, take a look at www.wishplay.com (no, not the name of the film, just the name of the group putting it together.) I'm designing costumes for that, too...as well as helping some with script development. I hope the timing works out so that I can actually be on-set for the filming, or at least most of it...a lot of that will depend on what's happening at the park for the Halloween season and how much they're going to need me there. But it's definitely the most elaborate design project I've ever had...I don't even have anything beyond sketches thus far, and I've already put in about 90 hours on this project...but when it comes time to start buying stuff, I know EXACTLY what I want to get and between me and the concept artist, I'll know exactly what needs to be done to it. We're supposed to start shooting this fall...I don't think we're behind on our timetable yet, although we have already run into some unexpected costs and changes in plan (hmmmm...nobody in Utah has a Lamborghini Gallardo they're willing to rent to a film production? Imagine that...)

I've got the best all-around crew I've had at the park, ever...I have had some years where I had an assistant that was more skilled than the crew I've got now...but I've never had TWO skilled, reliable, motivated, ambitious assistants before...or, at least, not that were available as much as these two have been. If I ever follow through on my plans to start my own design firm (which I might do for the film, just because the chance to get the name out with such a project is pretty much an opportunity that should not be passed up), I already have a list of people I want to have working with me (either as employees or as contracted help)...and both of these ladies are on it. (Thanks, Kevin, for your recommendation...we'd already decided to hire Amber before you wrote, but it did a lot for my peace of mind to know that she'd made such an impression on you!)

So, while some aspects of life seem to be taking perverse glee in kicking me while I'm down, I feel like the pendulum is poised to start swinging back the other way again...and I'm really excited to see where it's going to end up.

So, yeah...the big news? I just celebrated THE Big Four-Oh.

That's right...as of 9:30 am yesterday, I officially completed forty years of my life. I know somewhere in here, I'm supposed to start worrying about a mid-life crisis...but I still feel like life has just really been getting started for me. Every time I feel like life has finally pulled all the strings together and I've arrived at where I was intended to be, some new door opens up and I realize that, for all the preparations that have already taken place in life, I'm still learning and becoming who I'm intended to be.

I did have to laugh about my birthday this year. Last year, I went to a lot of trouble to try and set up a big birthday weekend...I had dinner with friends scheduled one night, was hoping to spend the next night playing some games with more friends, and was going to wrap up the weekend with a family dinner. The first night held true to plan...and everything else on the weekend kind of went off somewhere into left field (I had another dinner, for someone else's birthday, the second night, and most of my family was ill so I ended up having a modest birthday dinner with my younger brother and his kids...fun in its own right, but not quite what I'd planned...)

This year, I hadn't made any plans, at all. Well, that's not entirely true...I told myself about a year and a half ago that I wanted to go to Vegas and see Blue Man Group perform to celebrate my 40th birthday. That hasn't been an option yet, though I still haven't crossed it off the list. But aside from that, I had no plans. And for some reason, I've had people appearing out of the woodwork...people I haven't seen or heard from in years...that have managed to find me just in time to wish me happy birthday this year.

Another reason I didn't plan anything was because someone had already (kind of) made plans for me. Some friends of mine have started a performing group in Salt Lake (the Voodoo Darlings--a burlesque troupe), and asked me to help them with costumes. They had a show last night...so, as has happened many times in the past, I was working on my birthday...kind of. But I've never had 200+ people sing Happy Birthday to me before--they pulled me up on stage in the middle of the show to have the whole audience sing to me. It was a novel experience...and it also reminded me how much I miss being on stage in front of an audience...something I haven't done more than a handful of times since I stopped attending college. I'm hoping to do something about that...I've got to see if there's enough flexibility in my work schedule for me to do it, but a new friend of mine is directing A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum, which is one of the few musicals that I truly enjoy (as opposed to bemusedly tolerating, which is my usual reaction to musicals)--and when I told him I was interested in being on stage, but didn't feel my singing was strong enough, he mentioned the character Erronius...I could have a lot of fun playing a dotty old man looking for his long-lost kids...

But we'll see if it happens. Personally, I consider the fact that I was willing to speak up and even offer to audition for a musical to be a big step...I just might have to figure out how to sing or something...*laugh*

I am still working at Lagoon, and I'm really looking forward to this season...we've hired a woman to be my assistant who's also had a lot of experience doing costumes for a park in Kansas City, so for the first time in a long time, I'm not going to be hesitant about the chaos that could erupt from me taking time away from the park. This is good, because I have more and more freelance offers coming my way...I just did a makeup job for a tech convention in Salt Lake, where they wanted people made up as characters from the World of Warcraft game. Everyone was very impressed with my work, and the event coordinator has already mentioned two additional projects he's got coming his way that he'd like to use me on. I've also got another set-painting project (not as big as Anne of Green Gables was, thank goodness...I spent a good part of the winter nursing a sore thumb from the stress put on my hand painting that much scenery that quickly, trying to hold onto large brushes that would cover the flats in a hurry...) And it seems like every time I think nothing else is going to be coming my way for a while, a new project opens up. Now, if I could just get my social life to keep pace with my professional life...

I do feel like I've kind of opened a new chapter in my life, in many ways. For the last several years, I've kind of felt like half of my life has still been in Logan, and I have told people several times over the years that if I felt like I could actually make a living in my career field there, I'd move back to Logan right away. But in the last year or so, I've felt more and more like it was time to stop looking back over my shoulder at what I had, and longing after it, and that it was time to start making the most of what I had where I was at, NOW. When I first moved south, Mom asked if it was going to be long-term. At the time, I really didn't know...I told her that if I felt like I could sustain a living in my career here, I'd stay. I think part of me has been operating with lingering doubts about that, and I've kind of feared committing to the move and then having things go wrong...but things have, essentially, only gotten more and more busy the longer I'm here. So, while I will always have strong ties to Logan, with family and many of my nearest and dearest friends there, I'm trying more and more to keep my eyes focused on where I am now, and where I'm going, and not so much on where I've been.

One of the reasons I have ties to Logan...well, Cache Valley, since she's not in Logan, is my mare, who's due to have another foal...well, basically, any day now. I could never afford to keep her down here...feed is more expensive, I'd have to pay pasture fees, and I'd have to carve yet another niche in my schedule to check up on her daily or else find someone I trusted to keep an eye on her for me. I can't imagine finding someone I trust more than Marla, who's taking care of Tot for me now...she and Ross are like another family to me, and even if there was no longer any Kidd family in the Logan area, I'd still feel like I had roots in the area. I'm hoping to have better luck with this foal than the last two...and I can only really consider it bad luck.

So...I'm another year older, though I don't feel it. My brother asked me if I felt like I was 40...most of the time, I still feel like I'm 25. There are days, though...there were a few times this winter when I was definitely feeling like I was getting older, but spending three hours a day (between the walks at my apartment complex and the walkways at work) will do that to you. I still credit feeling young to having a career that I love and working with people who also enjoy it as much as I do...I'm constantly discovering something new, learning a new trick or picking up a new skill or just getting to know a new performer that keeps me from getting caught up in the drudgery of doing the same thing, day after day. Apparently, this is translating well to my appearance...I have been working with Arika Shockmel on this show (she was the emcee), and she keeps telling me that I still look just the same as I did in college (even accused me of having my own Dorian Gray-style portrait stashed away somewhere...)

I keep meeting some truly unique and interesting people outside of work, too...I have to tell a story about one, in closing...after I'd finished the makeup work at the tech convention I talked about earlier, I had to meet someone about some costume work I was going to do for them. The theater they where they were rehearsing was only a few blocks from the venue where I'd been working...so I decided to walk, rather than having to deal with finding a parking place twice again that night. Along the way, I ran into a guy who gave me his hard-luck story...and while I'm not usually a soft touch for beggars, something about him rang true...I not only gave him some money, but ended up in a pretty lengthy discussion with him about life, faith, and dealing with the trials of life. The discussion ended with him unexpectedly saying a prayer aloud, and thanking God for meeting me...not for the money, but for the fact that I'd taken the time to talk...and to listen. And he asked that I be blessed that whatever I set my hand to would prosper. Regardless of your beliefs about God, it really struck home to me just how much we all need each other in this world, and about how little gestures we make can have such a huge impact for others. It was a very thought-provoking evening...

Dream jobs...

First of all, if anyone still reads this, YES, I'm still alive. I've been writing blog entries in other locations, and keeping myself busy with a lot of other projects. Credit Kevin with inspiring me to come back to write here again (not that he did anything specific to accomplish that...just wrote some good blog entries.)

If you've read this for a while, you may recall an entry WAY back when, saying that one of my dream jobs would be a dresser for Deal or No Deal. No, I haven't pulled down that job. But I have had a very unusual position open up as an on-going sideline to working at the park...

Some friends of mine started a performing group in Salt Lake shortly before Christmas. And not just any performing group...they decided to start up a burlesque troupe. I was highly honored when they ever-so-casually asked me if I'd ever considered designing costumes for burlesque...

I'm not really designing the costumes...to explain just what it is I'm doing, I'm going to arbitrarily assign job titles to people, because it's a small group and somewhat informal. Jen is the artistic director (she also performs in the show, using a stage name)...the two of us consult about what the look for the show is going to be, but she generally goes ahead and picks out just what it is that she wants for costumes.

My job, as a costume designer for this group, consists of taking all these off-the-rack items and turning them into something special and 'costume-y'...which can be anything from adding a belt to hemming stuff up to tacking on a variety of trims, ribbons, and fringe, as well as rigging items to tear away when desired (yet keeping them intact UNTIL they're supposed to rip away). And, occasionally, I get to do some intriguing, creative projects...the last show involved the number 'Gimmick' from Gypsy...and I had to come up with a way to light up Electra's dress. Glad they told me in advance this number was coming up...battery-operated Christmas lights can be a little tough to track down around here AFTER Christmas.

But I'm doing more than just costumes...in their last program, they credited me as 'Production Designer', because I've kind of shouldered the responsibility of making sure that they have something other than just a bare stage on which to perform. The paycheck hasn't improved any with the additional responsibility...it's not a whole lot in the first place...if I was reliant on this job to make a living, I'd be in a world of hurt.

But I'm not. One of the reasons I love this job is that it's a great way for me to cleanse my palate, so to speak...there are so many times at the park when I look at something and say, "Y'know, we could just do it THIS way and it would be so much more effective..." Working with the Voodoo Darlings gives me the chance to either prove that I'm right about such things, or learn why I'm wrong (because sometimes it isn't as easy as I thought it would be).

There's also the fact that this group has a wonderful, close-knit aura to it. It was started by some friends of mine...and it's continued to be a group of friends that have all decided to combine forces to realize a dream or fulfill a wish. We have, for the most part, managed to avoid the kind of politicking that seems to creep into any performance group (there are a couple of exceptions, but those are also people that we've chosen not to work with again...ironically, the ones that have been the biggest source of grief have also been the ones that were most misleading about their level of proficiency...)

And, finally, I get the joy of working with and for people that demand and expect high quality. We've got a couple of good choreographers (also both performers in the group), some very talented singers, and the knowledge that none of us want to be a group of people that are just doing gigs in the bar in Salt Lake...there are groups in SLC already that do that. We hold ourselves to a higher standard than that, and the goal is to, ultimately, keep our schedules full with private parties like the one last night (the Darlings performed at the Utah AIDS Foundation Oscar Night Benefit Party), or to do shows where we rent out a theater (which costs more, but also pays more)...and do an occasional gig at a bar or club in town to keep life interesting.

It's also been a chance to end up working with some USU alums...Brooklyn Pulver was the emcee for the Darlings' first show (while she was on break from her tour with Hairspray), and Arika Schockmel is going to be working with us on a few upcoming shows.

Granted, it's a job I can't tell my family about...Mom gets uncomfortable when I talk about helping girls with costume changes, I can only imagine how she'd react to me expounding on the difficulties of sewing fringe around the obstacles inherent in an underwire bra. But I get the chance to work with some very dedicated, driven, talented people--who just happen to look exceptional in a corset and fishnets. With some luck, it will continue to gain momentum and become a 'staple' project that I can bank on, to some degree.

For now, however, I'm having a helluva good time at it...




After all, who could be grumpy with this kind of work environment? (L to R, using their stage names, are Sugar Magnolia, Lulu LaFleur, Mimi Valentine, Gigi DeVille, and October Mynx)

Long time, no see...

Hello again, my fellow Bitchcakers! Been away from the site for a while, but I felt the need to drop in and say hi...and to voice my opinion, as so often I do, on a news item that I saw today...

So, apparently, presidential hopeful Senator Joe Biden has already decided, regardless of what the report from General Petraeus on the Iraq situation may be, that he's going to continue with his determined course of action. He may have just lost any hope he had of getting my vote.

The reason (well, one of the reasons) we've been wading through the shitstorm in Iraq is because the politicians thought they understood better than the military what the situation called for. That was also one of the greatest shortcomings of the Vietnam policy, historians generally agree. Where does Sen. Biden feel he's gained the expertise to analyze the military situation? Has he somewhere along the line spent time in command of a large force of troops, having to determine the best tactical and strategic options?

I agree that the situation is ugly, and I don't see any graceful departure point for us. But I think, when it comes to military situations, we need to have the politicians stop second-guessing the military. At the very least, give them the opportunity to present their arguments before blindly declaring that you think they're wrong. With this uninformed gainsaying of a statement he hasn't even heard yet, Biden's shown himself to be little more than the other side of G.W. Bush's coin...the same metal, with a different imprint. Thanks, but no thanks...

And I promise, I'm going to try and be more dedicated to getting regular entries on here! Later, all...

Are you kidding me?

I just read an online news article about a prison convict in Massachusetts, I believe it was, who has sued the state's Corrections Department because they won't allow him to have a sex change operation (this is/was a man who was convicted of murdering his wife--his explanation was it was self-defense, because she spilled boiling tea on his genitals...funny that he was so attached to them then, and now he wants to get rid of them...)

He's already undergoing medical treatment for a gender identity disorder...at taxpayer expense. The ongoing litigation has cost the state $50,000 or more (the surgery would have cost $20,000). Some would say that they should have taken the cheaper route and paid for the surgery.

That's the short-sighted option. The state keeps pointing out that the operation would make the convict a security problem. They couldn't keep him/her in a mens' prison at that point...or at a womens' prison, either. He/She would be a constant target for sexual assault in either location. And if you think the cost of litigation is costly, just imagine what it would cost the state to deal with a lawsuit for lack of proper protection because he/she was raped for being transgendered (don't even try and tell me you're not seeing that image in your mind already...if a JUDGE can file a civil suit for $50 million-plus because his pants got lost at the dry-cleaners, you KNOW that kind of a lawsuit would have lawyers drooling at the chance to get involved.)

The convict claims that the hormone replacement, laser hair removal, and other treatments have failed to alleviate his/her depression and anxiety. I hate to sound callous, but SO WHAT? You're in prison, bud...it's an inherently anxious and depressing environment (my brother spent four and a half years in prison, I've heard more than enough to make that assessment). Suck it up...

One of the prison officials pointed out that this argument is tantamount to trying to blackmail the prison system, by threatening to commit suicide if the surgery is not permitted. And their standard policy is that they don't negotiate for threats of suicide.

The Swift-esque pragmatist in me can't help but say, "Give him/her a sharp razor...we'll see just how serious he/she is about this surgery..."

Disclaimer: No, I don't actually feel that strongly about it. But I do find it asinine that the surgery is even being considered. Let all the legal groups that want to litigate these cases do the noble thing...instead of making the state pay for litigation, and pouring your own resources into each case, just pay for the damn surgery to be done. Frankly, at that point, I don't care...but I find myself more than a little infuriated that someone thinks the state should be forced to pay for a surgery like that. Taxpayers have better places for their money to be spent.

Uncommon Parallels...

I was at a horsemanship clinic today, and the guy running the clinic made some observations about riding a horse that I found to be intriguingly profound, if taken in the context of how you live your life (as opposed to simply being about horses)...

--You end up going where you're looking. In other words, in the context of the clinic, if your attention is on the ground at your horse's feet, you're probably not going to be staying on that horse very long.

--You've got to focus on where you're going, and not where you are right now. Yeah, I know, it's very closely related to the one above...but I've always been a big believer that what you have done in life is secondary to what you're going to do with your life. When I worked on the Olympics, it was tempting to say, "Y'know...I've just worked on a show with a WORLDWIDE audience. There's no way I can top that...I should quit now." But I try to keep my eyes on what I'm about to do, with the intent to put just as much effort and energy into that as I did into the Olympics.

--Your horse is expecting you to lead it...after all, you've taken it out of its world and made it part of yours, with the saddle and bridle and all. And who wants to work for a boss that doesn't know where he's going or what he wants to do? Actually being in a position where I AM the boss, to some extent, this one struck home. I realized that I've got people working for me that are in unfamiliar territory--they've never done this job before, and at least one of them has never done anything LIKE this job before (the other has worked with us before, but hasn't yet realized that each new show has a new set of challenges that need to be met). So, I need to let my people know that I DO know what's going on, I do have a plan for getting stuff accomplished, and I will do everything I can to make sure they succeed at what they're being asked to do.

The clinic itself was nothing new...a rehash of techniques I've already heard about, with a few different semantic twists to try and prove that the guy hosting the clinic was a better trainer than any of the other trainers out on the market. But it was intriguing to see how many little tidbits he discussed that could have been chapter headings from a self-help book. I'm going back tomorrow...looking forward to getting a little more.