Burning bridges...
Sorry I've been out of touch with everyone for so long...at this time last year I was writing daily, and this year I'm struggling to manage monthly. And I'm not even sure why...
Last night was one contributing factor, though...or, rather, the end of one. I was talking with a friend I made online...at least, I considered her a friend. I'm usually very slow to grant that title, I think too many people are too quick to call someone 'friend', and ultimately, they don't really develop any depth to the friendship. The people I count as my real friends are people that I can meet up with after a year apart and feel like we never really spent any time away from each other, except we've got fresh stories to tell.
Anyhow, back to my story. Sandy was really excited, because she was very hopeful that she was pregnant (still to early to know for sure, but she's wanted kids for a long time...and, no, for those who are wondering, I had nothing to do with her suspected pregnancy. She's in Texas, I'm in Utah, but I've had internet friends that have helped me through some really trying times in my life so I'm more open to the option than a lot of people). We were talking about the names she and her boyfriend had picked out to give the kids (I think it was more her picking names and him just signing off on them, but whatever...)
We'd had this discussion before, when I unwittingly came down on the same side of the issue as her boyfriend in terms of disagreeing with her about the boy's name...Linus. Maybe (and she certainly thinks this is the case) I went to a school with an excessively cruel peer group, but a kid named Linus would have been eaten alive on my playground, and I told her so.
So last night, she was really eager to share the names she'd finally picked. Lucy, for the girl...I have no problem with that. She also liked the connection with Saint Lucia, and I agree (I believe in picking names that are associated with traits you hope will develop as a child matures--use the same logic in naming horses, though the options are considerably different.) And, for the boy, Alexander.
I like the name Alexander. I agreed with her on it, even with the association with Alexander the Great, and hoping that he (if it was a he) would be a strong leader and seek to create unity. I've known a few people named Alex or Alexis, and have (for the most part) good memories associated with them. And, jokingly, I pointed out that there was a character in Star Trek named Alexander...but anyone who teased him about that would be labelling themselves as geeks for even knowing that (besides, how many kids would know that much about Star Trek that far from now?)
It was as if I'd unwittingly mixed hypergolic fuels. She WENT OFF. I've been called an asshole before...but never so many times in such rapid succession. I've also never had someone just flat out say they hated my name (my first name...I go by my middle name. I always have. 'George' just doesn't fit me, although I claim it with some pride because it's become a family tradition of sorts, there having been a George in each of the last four generations, at least...I don't know about further back than that...have to ask Mom, I guess.) And then she demanded an apology from me...or she was walking away from the friendship.
Well, y'know, I've teased all of my friends about things much more serious than names. They tease right back. That's how most of my friends interact, most of the time. Even when we aren't teasing, we're at least comfortable enough around each other that we don't feel like we're walking on eggshells every time we have a conversation. So I wasn't feeling particularly inclined to apologize...and said, basically, it's just a joke, and I'm sorry I've got such lousy communication skills that I can't get you to understand that and I can't pick up on when you're joking with me (we'd had a few mildly heated discussions in the past, when she said something as a joke that didn't read as a joke...and then got perturbed when I didn't start laughing...)
As can be imagined, my apology wasn't good enough for her. So, behind me lie the smoldering remains of an attempt at an internet friendship...and another reminder to trust my instincts when something doesn't feel right when I'm talking to a person. It's really hard to remain non-judgmental about people when you keep getting burned every time you say, "Well, I don't know...but I'll give this one a chance..." (it's happened to me at least three times in the last six months--two of them were actually local people that I just happened to stumble into online, this one, at least, was remote and never involved any face-to-face meetings.)
Hmmmm...wish I was making my return with something a little more up-beat and cheery. But, y'know, life just isn't always that way.
Sorry I've been out of touch with everyone for so long...at this time last year I was writing daily, and this year I'm struggling to manage monthly. And I'm not even sure why...
Last night was one contributing factor, though...or, rather, the end of one. I was talking with a friend I made online...at least, I considered her a friend. I'm usually very slow to grant that title, I think too many people are too quick to call someone 'friend', and ultimately, they don't really develop any depth to the friendship. The people I count as my real friends are people that I can meet up with after a year apart and feel like we never really spent any time away from each other, except we've got fresh stories to tell.
Anyhow, back to my story. Sandy was really excited, because she was very hopeful that she was pregnant (still to early to know for sure, but she's wanted kids for a long time...and, no, for those who are wondering, I had nothing to do with her suspected pregnancy. She's in Texas, I'm in Utah, but I've had internet friends that have helped me through some really trying times in my life so I'm more open to the option than a lot of people). We were talking about the names she and her boyfriend had picked out to give the kids (I think it was more her picking names and him just signing off on them, but whatever...)
We'd had this discussion before, when I unwittingly came down on the same side of the issue as her boyfriend in terms of disagreeing with her about the boy's name...Linus. Maybe (and she certainly thinks this is the case) I went to a school with an excessively cruel peer group, but a kid named Linus would have been eaten alive on my playground, and I told her so.
So last night, she was really eager to share the names she'd finally picked. Lucy, for the girl...I have no problem with that. She also liked the connection with Saint Lucia, and I agree (I believe in picking names that are associated with traits you hope will develop as a child matures--use the same logic in naming horses, though the options are considerably different.) And, for the boy, Alexander.
I like the name Alexander. I agreed with her on it, even with the association with Alexander the Great, and hoping that he (if it was a he) would be a strong leader and seek to create unity. I've known a few people named Alex or Alexis, and have (for the most part) good memories associated with them. And, jokingly, I pointed out that there was a character in Star Trek named Alexander...but anyone who teased him about that would be labelling themselves as geeks for even knowing that (besides, how many kids would know that much about Star Trek that far from now?)
It was as if I'd unwittingly mixed hypergolic fuels. She WENT OFF. I've been called an asshole before...but never so many times in such rapid succession. I've also never had someone just flat out say they hated my name (my first name...I go by my middle name. I always have. 'George' just doesn't fit me, although I claim it with some pride because it's become a family tradition of sorts, there having been a George in each of the last four generations, at least...I don't know about further back than that...have to ask Mom, I guess.) And then she demanded an apology from me...or she was walking away from the friendship.
Well, y'know, I've teased all of my friends about things much more serious than names. They tease right back. That's how most of my friends interact, most of the time. Even when we aren't teasing, we're at least comfortable enough around each other that we don't feel like we're walking on eggshells every time we have a conversation. So I wasn't feeling particularly inclined to apologize...and said, basically, it's just a joke, and I'm sorry I've got such lousy communication skills that I can't get you to understand that and I can't pick up on when you're joking with me (we'd had a few mildly heated discussions in the past, when she said something as a joke that didn't read as a joke...and then got perturbed when I didn't start laughing...)
As can be imagined, my apology wasn't good enough for her. So, behind me lie the smoldering remains of an attempt at an internet friendship...and another reminder to trust my instincts when something doesn't feel right when I'm talking to a person. It's really hard to remain non-judgmental about people when you keep getting burned every time you say, "Well, I don't know...but I'll give this one a chance..." (it's happened to me at least three times in the last six months--two of them were actually local people that I just happened to stumble into online, this one, at least, was remote and never involved any face-to-face meetings.)
Hmmmm...wish I was making my return with something a little more up-beat and cheery. But, y'know, life just isn't always that way.
posted by Curtis at 9:22 AM
4 Comments:
This is a common e-mail/IM problem...tone just doesn't come across in typed words alone. Misinterpretation is rampant and unfortunate.
That said, do you really want a friend who would consider naming her kids Linus and Lucy? What about Snoopy and Woodstock? The girl's crazy, let her go.
Heh...you're more accurate than you realize...she is, actually, in therapy. I never asked what for, specifically...but her emotional health is not her strongest point. (Yet another reason why I can't really bring myself to have any animosity for her...)
sounds too bad, personally i don't know you terribly well curtis, but i'd be fairly confident in stating that your friendship is her loss.
coincidently, my middle name is George.
That was un-called for! I'd send her a "red mean faced" emoticon.
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