Hello, Dysfunction, my old friend...
I read D'art's post, and it struck a nerve. So I hope you don't mind if I try to provide some constructive answers...and if you do, well, that's too bad, because I'm going to do it anyway. Hopefully, what I say is actually helpful, and not just me making an ass of myself spouting platitudes. But just about everything I'm going to say is based on my own personal observations, which takes it outside the realm of 'platitude', in my book.
However, why me? Why now? To what fucking end am I being ground into the bedrock of the cosmos?
I can think of a few reasons, just from what you said in your own post. Since you already seem to have recognized these, however, I'm not going to point them out (I hate being beat over the head with stuff I already know, myself, so I'm not going to do it to someone else.) Like you, I believe that things happen for a reason. The agnostic/atheistic/rationalistic part of those who read this can scoff, if they so choose...but too many times, I've seen (or experienced) events happening which, at the time, seemed needlessly painful--but in the long run, they were preparation for a larger event that would have been crippling, if not for the earlier experience.
The biggest reason I can think of for why this is happening to you is this--sometimes we don't realize that what we wanted isn't what we needed. I had two very close and dear friends get married back in the early 90's (93-94, if I recall correctly). It was a surprise to all of us that knew them (mostly the fact that she said 'yes'...), but they seemed to be a very good couple. They shared a huge number of interests, he was a gentle, patient sort that balanced well against her temper, stuff like that. They made it until summer of '97 (that really was a shit year for me, side note...my roommate crashed his motorcycle and died the day before my birthday, my dad had a heart attack and died two days before Fathers Day, two of my best friends got divorced, I almost managed to cut my thumb off while packing to move and had to finish the move with one good arm, and another one of my friends died at the end of the year...)
Anyway, back to the point. In spite of the incredibly painful crash-and-burn of the divorce, they both remarried within a few months of each other...to people much better suited for them. People they would never have appreciated fully if they hadn't been through the earlier marriage. It taught them a different perspective.
I feel for you, D'art. I've never been married, and therefore, never divorced (although I've had two brothers divorce, as well as several friends.) My own personal experience with Dysfunction came in 2000, when I found out just how messed up my own 'happy family' situation really was. My brother ended up going to prison for a crime he committed some twelve or thirteen years earlier...thanks in no small part to the efforts of my sister. The family split pretty much right down the middle--three of my siblings against me, one older brother, and Mom in whether or not my other brother needed to go to prison to get the kind of help he really needed. Those rifts have been healing...slowly...but my sister is still pretty much alienated from the rest of the family to some extent (my mom, for various reasons, has gotten to the point where she 'doesn't feel like she's even got a daughter anymore'.) This was about the same time I got hired on at Lagoon full-time...and I told my mom I was thankful, because that at least gave me something to focus on besides my family ripping itself apart.
I tried, on more than one occasion, to play the peacemaker, to bridge the gap...and had my own words thrown back in my face with venom and bile. So I quit trying. If I didn't say anything, they didn't have any ammunition to throw back at me. I don't know if it was the right choice; but it was the choice I had to make for my own well-being.
Hang in there, man...I'm sure every new day feels like a kick in the gut (if not a few inches lower)...but you can get through it. If you ever need someone to sound off to, directly, look me up. I don't generally offer guys a shoulder to cry on (it's not masculine and all that)...but I've got a good sympathetic ear. Let me know if there's anything I can do to help. I mean it.
My uncle's funeral was today...and my sister came to it. When I first saw her, I didn't know what to do...luckily, a cousin also saw her come in and jumped into conversation with her. So I spent most of the funeral trying to avoid looking at my sister, at all...and knowing, at the same time, that at some point, I was going to have to face her--not confront her, I figure that will happen in due time as well, but actually be in a situation where I'd have to be able to be one-on-one with her and still not make an ass of myself.
After the graveside service, several of us were chatting...and suddenly, I found myself face to face with her. And I knew what I had to do. It took a helluva lot for her to come to this. She's been skipping major family functions ever since the whole situation went to shit in the first place. And I wouldn't have been able to live with myself if she'd worked up the guts to come out to this, and I was the one that turned her away. I walked up, and gave her a hug, and told her I was glad to see her. And, surprisingly to myself, even, I meant it. Yeah, I'm still perturbed about what she did, and I still don't understand why she did it...but she's my sister. If I can love my brother, even after learning he did something that could get him sent to prison, how can I do any less for her, and still look myself in the mirror every morning?
And, for the first time in a long time, I had hope that one day, my family might actually feel like a family again.
I read D'art's post, and it struck a nerve. So I hope you don't mind if I try to provide some constructive answers...and if you do, well, that's too bad, because I'm going to do it anyway. Hopefully, what I say is actually helpful, and not just me making an ass of myself spouting platitudes. But just about everything I'm going to say is based on my own personal observations, which takes it outside the realm of 'platitude', in my book.
However, why me? Why now? To what fucking end am I being ground into the bedrock of the cosmos?
I can think of a few reasons, just from what you said in your own post. Since you already seem to have recognized these, however, I'm not going to point them out (I hate being beat over the head with stuff I already know, myself, so I'm not going to do it to someone else.) Like you, I believe that things happen for a reason. The agnostic/atheistic/rationalistic part of those who read this can scoff, if they so choose...but too many times, I've seen (or experienced) events happening which, at the time, seemed needlessly painful--but in the long run, they were preparation for a larger event that would have been crippling, if not for the earlier experience.
The biggest reason I can think of for why this is happening to you is this--sometimes we don't realize that what we wanted isn't what we needed. I had two very close and dear friends get married back in the early 90's (93-94, if I recall correctly). It was a surprise to all of us that knew them (mostly the fact that she said 'yes'...), but they seemed to be a very good couple. They shared a huge number of interests, he was a gentle, patient sort that balanced well against her temper, stuff like that. They made it until summer of '97 (that really was a shit year for me, side note...my roommate crashed his motorcycle and died the day before my birthday, my dad had a heart attack and died two days before Fathers Day, two of my best friends got divorced, I almost managed to cut my thumb off while packing to move and had to finish the move with one good arm, and another one of my friends died at the end of the year...)
Anyway, back to the point. In spite of the incredibly painful crash-and-burn of the divorce, they both remarried within a few months of each other...to people much better suited for them. People they would never have appreciated fully if they hadn't been through the earlier marriage. It taught them a different perspective.
I feel for you, D'art. I've never been married, and therefore, never divorced (although I've had two brothers divorce, as well as several friends.) My own personal experience with Dysfunction came in 2000, when I found out just how messed up my own 'happy family' situation really was. My brother ended up going to prison for a crime he committed some twelve or thirteen years earlier...thanks in no small part to the efforts of my sister. The family split pretty much right down the middle--three of my siblings against me, one older brother, and Mom in whether or not my other brother needed to go to prison to get the kind of help he really needed. Those rifts have been healing...slowly...but my sister is still pretty much alienated from the rest of the family to some extent (my mom, for various reasons, has gotten to the point where she 'doesn't feel like she's even got a daughter anymore'.) This was about the same time I got hired on at Lagoon full-time...and I told my mom I was thankful, because that at least gave me something to focus on besides my family ripping itself apart.
I tried, on more than one occasion, to play the peacemaker, to bridge the gap...and had my own words thrown back in my face with venom and bile. So I quit trying. If I didn't say anything, they didn't have any ammunition to throw back at me. I don't know if it was the right choice; but it was the choice I had to make for my own well-being.
Hang in there, man...I'm sure every new day feels like a kick in the gut (if not a few inches lower)...but you can get through it. If you ever need someone to sound off to, directly, look me up. I don't generally offer guys a shoulder to cry on (it's not masculine and all that)...but I've got a good sympathetic ear. Let me know if there's anything I can do to help. I mean it.
My uncle's funeral was today...and my sister came to it. When I first saw her, I didn't know what to do...luckily, a cousin also saw her come in and jumped into conversation with her. So I spent most of the funeral trying to avoid looking at my sister, at all...and knowing, at the same time, that at some point, I was going to have to face her--not confront her, I figure that will happen in due time as well, but actually be in a situation where I'd have to be able to be one-on-one with her and still not make an ass of myself.
After the graveside service, several of us were chatting...and suddenly, I found myself face to face with her. And I knew what I had to do. It took a helluva lot for her to come to this. She's been skipping major family functions ever since the whole situation went to shit in the first place. And I wouldn't have been able to live with myself if she'd worked up the guts to come out to this, and I was the one that turned her away. I walked up, and gave her a hug, and told her I was glad to see her. And, surprisingly to myself, even, I meant it. Yeah, I'm still perturbed about what she did, and I still don't understand why she did it...but she's my sister. If I can love my brother, even after learning he did something that could get him sent to prison, how can I do any less for her, and still look myself in the mirror every morning?
And, for the first time in a long time, I had hope that one day, my family might actually feel like a family again.
posted by Curtis at 9:19 PM
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