I'm in pain...

Oh, I was stupid today. It's okay, I had fun...but I was stupid.

Every year, for the Farmington Days Parade, Lagoon enters something from the Entertainment Department. When I first started here, they just had the kids from the day show go through the parade in costume, kinda dancing along to whatever music was in their show that year. But for the past several years, we've actually kind of turned it into a Frightmares promotion, and have a bunch of kids dressed up in the Zombie Mambo costumes and makeup.

This year, they (the director and operations manager) decided that they wanted to branch out a little bit. The original idea was to have the Hackenslash characters do the parade instead of the zombies, and trade the Hearse for the '57 Chevy--because we were hoping to retire the Zombies (we've been doing that show for...sheesh, this will be the NINTH year), but the Powers That Be (tm) decided that they wanted the Zombies yet again.

So the final scheme for the parade was to use the Hearse (there's just no room for a good sound system in the Chevy), and have all the guys who signed up be Hackenslashers (I'll explain more about that later) while they girls were zombies. Additionally, Alex decided HE was driving this year (normally, I've been the driver). Since he was driving, I decided I was going to be in the parade anyway--we had a shortage of guys sign up, so they had empty slots in the Hackenslash lineup.

Now, to help illustrate the heights of my folly, I have to tell you about the Hackenslash show. The concept is that this chainsaw company (Hackenslash Chainsaws, Inc.) hired a bunch of would-be psycho chainsaw killers to demonstrate their product (the director and I hashed out the name together, and I designed the costumes). Each one has distinctive features, related to the character in some way, and there are eight characters--Stumpy, Lefty, Deadeye, Stitch, Buzz, Bones, Meat, and Skinner. Their outfits are gray coveralls, work boots, full-length leather aprons, elbow-length gloves, and 'metal' hockey masks (inspired by the cover of the Quiet Riot album) with funky white wigs...by the time everything is on, the only thing that is recognizable is the eyes, everything else is covered.

Now, their 'demonstrations' consist of short (5-7minutes) shows (usually 2 songs), in which they are basically the Drill Team From Hell, doing choreographed routines to the songs WITH the chainsaws (no, we don't have real blades on the saws, we use the old haunted house trick of having a plain aluminum bar attached to the motor housing, so you get the sound but NO chance of cutting anything--concussions are still a threat, however).

So, here I am, enthused at the prospect of finally performing as one of these characters I've created, when the parade started...and Alex turned on the sound system. And, suddenly, the thought occurs to me, "Oh, shit...I should be dancing to this." It's part of the gig, after all, and I signed up for it.

Well, the dancing isn't too big an issue. When I'm not thinking about it, I'm actually half-decent as a dancer--and since NOBODY, outside of the people in my parade group, have the slightest idea who I am (and even then, they can't keep track of which one I am, half the time), I'm not feeling at all self-conscious (I was more worried about making a bad impression by not dancing than I was about dancing poorly).

But I don't dance much. And I NEVER dance with a chainsaw. And the only time I dance in heavy work boots is when I'm dancing with a chainsaw...so, never. But there I was, dancing, in heavy boots, with a five-pound leather apron, a fifteen-pound chainsaw, and a hockey mask on my face. And THEN I realized that I was going to be dancing for a LONG time--the parade takes about forty minutes.

I cheated a few times--jumped up on the hood of the car to ride for a while, but was still working my arms, clapping my hands and stuff, when I wasn't walking--but I made it. The last few blocks were a serious case of just digging in and doing it on sheer willpower, but I made it.

Everything from my waist down is sore from the dancing, and my back is stiff from waving the chainsaw around in the air. I was so tired after the parade that, during the day show's first performance, I fell asleep on the floor backstage, sitting with my back braced against the wall (a position I would have sworn was just too uncomfortable for sleep, but I know better now). I woke up when the stage manager announced to everyone that she was opening house for the second show--it looked kind of like Jonestown, the morning after...bodies sprawled everywhere. I was glad to see I wasn't the only one exhausted.

I did the same thing again later, cashing out before the Rock show started their first show and waking up after they finished. That time, at least, I was curled up in a chair backstage in the green room. And I'm about ready to keel over again, as I'm typing. Four ibuprofen, a gallon of Powerade, several more donuts and a large soft taco got me through the day, but I made it.

Kinda scary, looking at it objectively, what it says about me when I will put myself to such pains just to get a chance to play in front of an audience again. I gotta start finding something to do during the off-season to get my fix--doing this every summer could kill me.

Or not. Like I said, I was stupid...but I had fun.